You know him. You like him. And you are considering taking the relationship further.
So ponder the following carefully.
Who is he? How well do you know him? What family is he from? Who are his parents and who are his siblings? Make no mistake, a person is greatly shaped by the family he comes from. Get to know them and what they are like. How does he relate to them, and they to him? Does he cherish them? Do they love him?
I didn’t think too deeply about the significance of the kind of family I was marrying into, but God favoured me (some would say I was lucky). My in-laws are a wonderful people. My father-in-law was such a nice gentleman. He’s late now, but I still recall his words, attitude to life and general disposition. My mother-in-law? An amazing and caring woman. This became apparent early in our marriage when we had some challenges in my home. And my wife’s siblings are themselves nice and cordial. If it had been otherwise, my marriage would have been miserable.
Does he respect you as a person? What is your vision, and does he support your future picture of yourself? If he isn’t interested in this, he may not be right for you. Conversely, do you believe in his own dreams? He will need your support along the way, and if you are uninterested in his vision, you will become a burden to him later on. It works both ways.
Religion wise, are you both on the same plane? Be really honest about this. I pray you are both Christians, but if not, I hope you both have the same view of life. If you are a Christian, please don’t attach yourself to him if he isn’t one. And by ‘Christian’, I mean one who, as best you can determine, has been converted and come to trust in Jesus as Lord and Saviour. This is particularly crucial here in Nigeria where it has become ‘normal’ to be religious and active in church. He needs to have a genuine taste for spiritual reality.
You will need to discuss together, carve a vision together, and raise children together. A shared faith is a vital springboard for these. If this is lacking, it really can be frustrating. This can seem negligible during the excitement of courtship. When the life together starts, it becomes obvious.
It helps to get the opinion of someone you respect early enough before you make so much emotional investment. It could be your pastor, an elder brother, or a mentor. Get this quickly before you even begin to discuss your future together. Emotions are a fickle platform on which to build a lifetime. You want to be certain someone else, and hopefully more mature, has assessed him to be a right fit for you.
Finally, remember marriage is a good thing. Regardless of the impression many celebrities and ‘influencers’ create, it is good to be married and stay married. God designed it for our flourishing. Nevertheless, don’t make an idol of marriage. You are valuable and significant not because you are married, but because you were made in God’s own image. So don’t seek a man to give you value; prayerfully select one who recognises the value in you and helps you project it.
Dayo Adewoye 